Dear reader of signs,
My ‘Reading the Signs’ June challenge continues, although this morning saw a bit of a delay.
I’ve been selecting a deck based on what comes to mind, without overthinking it too much, but the deck I planned to use this morning was AWOL when I looked for it. I have an eclectic collection of decks, but over the years they have been scattered to a number of locations in my house. I can lose track of some of them. So I hunted about and gathered them into one place. It’s a job I had planned to do this month as I needed a reminder of what I own.
My errant deck remained in hiding, and I squashed the pigheaded desire to keep looking as time was no longer on my side. Instead I turned to one I didn’t remember so well.
It certainly made an impression!
This is the Five of Swords and the Magician from the The Wild Unknown Tarot Deck by Kim Krans.
It’s a serious deck that’s direct and has minimal decorations for the suits in the minor arcana. As soon I pulled the first card I remembered why I don’t use this deck very often. I connect best with decks that use full imagery and symbols in all the cards. That’s what I get my hooks into when considering them.
The five of swords is not the worst swords card to draw, but it’s close. This card is listed as ‘Self Destruction’. The severed worm is ominous. It appears you have severed the worm yourself and more implements remain to continue if you are not careful.
As always with Swords cards I decided to draw another to cast some light on this area of self-deception, and up came The Magician. (I am amused by myself that I always want to double check difficult cards, but accept the easier ones with good cheer!)
In some ways these cards are polar opposites: deceit and disempowerment versus certainty and command.
I was somewhat disheartened by these contradicting omens, but accepted them and went on with my day.
I came face-to-face with this conflict quite late as I finished the final touches on my regular Splinister newsletter ‘10 Things I learned from Video Games’.
Often, as soon as push publish on a newsletter I can quickly be overcome by intense doubt. This time, it whipped to the surface prior to publication over a thought about whether I was being too egotistical in the piece.
Non-fiction, where you are mining your experiences for the narrative, can easily appear self-aggrandising. There’s a difference between connecting with people via sharing your experiences and preaching at them.
I went back through the piece with a more critical eye and pared back anything I thought was veering into sermonising.
In the past I was prone to an utter collapse in confidence over such thoughts. I can’t reject them outright as nonsense as I always listen to useful insight, even if it stings. The ego can be very protective and blind you to obvious problems.
Yet this time I didn’t sink into the doldrums of despair. I considered the Magician. I thought about my experience and expertise in the area.
Did I want to cut myself into small pieces because that is more acceptable to people, rather than express my entire shape, filled with the composite of my lifetime’s knowledge?
I allowed myself to come into balance between the two impulses.
Then I pressed send.