Aspects
On roles, the importance of friends, and mythic dynamics
Dear devoted reader!
How are you doing these days? I hope you are well, but if troubled, I hope you have supports and friends who can buoy you up when you have been sucked into one of life’s murky patches.
We have little control over the periods in our life when sudden injury, bereavement, accidents, illness, unemployment, etc. can sucker punch our lives and routines. Then there are the ‘meh’ eras, when everything is okay but fallow. At least we can do something about that, but that dastardly force inertia — ever present in our universe — can often make change seem impossible.
This brings us back to the importance of friends in our lives, those people we confide in, laugh with, and are the first we rush to when we have great news (or terrible tragedy). As a species that is designed for social interaction, having a core cadre of friends you can reach out to in the good and the bad times is essential. I am always mindful and thankful for my friends, especially the ones where I can be utterly honest, and who will listen without judgement especially when I’m trying to figure out a thorny problem.
There are a few dear friends who understand all my interests and with whom I don’t have to hedge about. They see my flaws and prickly sides as well as the fun and quirky parts since they accept me as a multi-faceted human trying to figure out a complicated and weird world.
Such friends are treasures, and you should take the time to tell them that every now and again. No doubt they’ll tell you to stop being so sentimental but their heart will heat with the power of a thousand loving suns for a few moments. Voicing your recognition of their importance in your life can warm them during trying times. Most people have easy and hard patches, and our understanding friends know when to be patient and when to administer a kick in the rear.
Yet one of the hardest parts of being a human is understanding the cyclical nature of friendships. Some people will be with you for the long haul and then there are the one who will vanish suddenly, the ones who will change irrevocably, or the ones who will betray you. I started truly learning about friendships in my late teens and twenties and that’s when most of my heartbreaks occurred. I don’t think any romantic relationship has ever hurt me as much as when a friend let me down or walked out of my life. And as I discovered over a lot of soul-searching, I was sometimes part of the dynamic.
At a meditation retreat in my twenties I had the good fortune to hear a discourse by a Buddhist nun about this subject. She noted that we may often decry ‘But they’ve changed so much!’ But actually, since we only know our thoughts, we have to understand that we have changed. We have seen something that we either ignored or were incapable of noticing for a long time. Loyalty, that important trait in solid friendships, can sometimes blind us to reality. That’s when having a wider circle of friends is important. They give us perspective when we lose it.
If there is any piece of advice I can offer about friendships is it to value the ones who are there for you when the shit goes down. Even if they are the ones who only communicate with you erratically. Also, try not to depend on only one person. It’s simply not sustainable. No one person — be they your spouse or partner — can be everything for you. It’s too heavy of a burden to place on anyone’s shoulders. And you shouldn’t carry it for another person either. We require a spectrum of friends. The light and fluffy mates, the serious and thoughtful pals, the comrades who will turn up to carry boxes and the Wordle buddies. Every now and again we get one or two people that are an almost perfect match across all the levels, so be extra grateful for them but don’t lean on them exclusively.
If possible, have people you can meet in the real world. Over the course of my life many of my very good friends left the state or the country I was in, and I also moved a number of times. Thank goodness for instant messaging, video calls and group Zoom meet-ups. As ever, I am grateful for broadband and unlimited data on my mobile phone! But we need people we can laugh with over coffee in a cafe we are both occupying at the same time, or to commiserate with over drinks on a patio. That means you need to go out in the real world and meet new people. This is a difficult prospect, and it’s not always successful, but I’ve been lucky to continue to cement new friendships throughout my life. I try to remain open and curious and welcome new connections.
Finally, most importantly: accept the level of friendship someone is offering. Don’t lose a friend because you want more than they can give. Sometimes it’s disappointing, but be grateful they are in your life and what they can offer. You may not know their reasoning and for goodness sake don’t build some ridiculous story in your head about it. I say this as someone who is a (mostly) recovering compulsive over-thinker and over-analyser. The best thing you can do in a situation that’s puzzling you is to simply ask for clarity. And if the answer is vague, well you’ve got your answer.
This made me wonder about who is the God of Friends? As a folklore/mythology obsessive no name came to mind, which is strange for such an important part of human survival.
Hurrah for the Internet, and the discovery that of course the Greeks had this covered.
The answer is the Goddess Philotes. Who’s that? Yes, you might well ask as she’s a minor deity about which little is written. She’s a personified spirit (daimona) of friendship and affection (she could also be the spirit of sexual attraction, which is an interesting double meaning, but let’s go with the first since Aphrodite is always known for jealously guarding Her territory.)
She is part of a huge, messy family of Gods and Goddesses and Philotes is overshadowed by some heavy hitters.
Here’s her origin story from the ancient Greek poet, Hesiod, in his epic, Theogony 211 ff (trans. Evelyn-White).
"And Nyx (Night) bare hateful Moros (Doom) and black Ker (Violent Death) and Thanatos (Death), and she bare Hypnos (Sleep) and the tribe of Oneiroi (Dreams). And again the goddess murky Nyx, though she lay with none, bare Momos (Blame) and painful Oizys (Misery), and the Hesperides . . . Also she bare the Moirai (Fates) and the ruthless avenging Keres (Death-Fates) . . . Also deadly Nyx bare Nemesis (Envy) to afflict mortal men, and after her, Apate (Deceit) and Philotes (Friendship) and hateful Geras (Old Age) and hard-hearted Eris (Strife)."
What a set of siblings!
In this version Nyx is a single Mom who can procreate on her own. She is the goddess of the night, one of the primordials (protogenoi) who is a daughter of Khaos (Chaos) — the OG mother who needed no consort. Her first lover was her brother Erebos (Darkness), with whom she produced Aither (Aether, Light) and Hemera (Day).
After that bout of sweetness, she went on a Goth streak and spawned a dark brood after her own inclination.
Philotes is the only nice one in the bunch. Reading the above I was struck by the wisdom of Nyx throwing a friend into this mix of angsty reprobates. Because even Moros needs a friend.
It made me ponder the roles that people are assigned in their families. In this case the names of the divinities are also their functions. It’s an eternal fixed sentence to unchanging character.1
How useless it is for Oizys to complain to Mother Night, saying ‘I don’t want to be a misery-guts! No one likes me. They notice my approach and suddenly recall the virgins they wish to seduce.’
And Nyx will narrow her jet eyes and summon Philotes, who will sigh and listen to her sibling’s woes for a time.
What a terrible gig for Philotes. No wonder so little is written about her. She’s hard-wired to be a friend to everyone, but who is a friend to her?
I like to think that when the Keres (feathered spirits that feast upon those dying in battle) finish their slaughter they’re grateful that Philotes is there to listen to their tales of triumph as they clean gore from their talons. She will be the one called on to calm down Momos and Nemesis when Eris has riled them up and no one will be in the same room with them.
And in a perpetual geriatric state, Geras needs Philotes. At the end, we all need a friend.
Families tend to assign roles to siblings. Often the oldest becomes the responsible one and the youngest is the rebel while the middle one is the quiet mediator. Of course the youngest could be the student and the elder the truant, as every family dynamic is different. The more kids are in the mix the more roles are handed out, which is why only children have both buckets of attention and a lot of pressure.
What happens is the older we get and the more we grow into our personality the more we may chafe at the assigned role. Sometimes the quiet one wants to throw a tantrum and other times the fool wants to be serious. Breaking away from these prescribed parts can be difficult when we return home. Much as we have changed, the groves of our childhood patterns encourage us repeat performances we’ve outgrown. And some people do not want you to change. They want the rote, familiar acts.
Yet, even the Gods can be multi-faceted and evolve. For instance, the Goddess Athena represented wisdom, warfare, heroic endeavour, weaving, pottery and other handicrafts. She’s probably imported from an earlier civilisation, and the Romans would fold her into their pantheon as Minerva.
Her various aspects can be seen in the different epitaphs used to describe her, such as Atrytone (the Unwearying), Parthenos (Virgin), Promachos (she who fights in front), Polias (‘of the city’ — in relation to her role as guardian of cities), Ergane (the Industrious), and her most famous: Pallas ‘to brandish’ or ‘young woman’.
Goddesses are often depicted as appearing together as trios, to indicate the realms over which they rule. Yet within that iconography is the ancient understanding that all parts are contained in the one. Thus Athena can be a defender and a weaver. When you are not at war you need an occupation.
I take inspiration from these mythic archetypes which are full of robust contradictions and fantastic spirit. They demonstrate that we can break the chains of expectations and don new glorious garb that celebrates who we become.
We can be our past, our present, and understand on some level we will be future selves. We contain multitudes.
And remember faithful Philotes, a gift from Mother Night.
Even the darkest Gods, the ones designed for savagery, were given a friend.
This is something I’ve thought about a lot and have written about in at least one story.
Loved your thoughts about friendship, Maura! A lot of wisdom here!