Dear reader of signs,
Welcome to the Wednesday, the 14th of June’s observation from my daily ‘Reading the Signs’ June challenge, an exercise of paying attention with a focus in mind as the day unfolds.
I was excited to rediscover Wednesday’s choice of deck, which had been squirrelled away at the back of a drawer for some time. When I began this project I hauled all my various decks out into the light, but this one stayed hidden for longer, and I uncovered it last.
The Magician Longs to See Tarot, is by Benjamin Mackey, and is based around the Twin Peaks series, mostly created by David Lynch and Mark Frost. For the sign of the day I drew Judgement, which in this deck is rather unnerving.
Generally, I don’t buy decks that are based on TV shows. Twin Peaks holds a special place in my heart (I wrote a book on Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me) and I’m an admirer of much of Lynch’s work. More importantly, Mackey designed a fantastic deck that genuinely works with the classic Waite-Smith Tarot design. He cheekily added two cards to the major arcana: The Director (Lynch) and The Writer (Frost).
This Judgement card features the psychopathic Windom Earle, the nemesis of Special Agent Dale Cooper in the second season of the original series. Earle, who began as a FBI agent mentoring Cooper, is warped by his occult obsessions. It is his paranoid judgement of the behaviour of his wife, Caroline, with Cooper, which directly leads to them having an affair and to Earle murdering his wife. His judgement comes from a place of insane insecurity and thus has a dreadful outcome.
About a half an hour after I drew this card I got a surprise invitation to lunch from a person I value dearly. This card instantly came to mind. No one likes being judged, but the thing to remember is that is a two-way street. I put myself on my guard against being judgemental.1
Yet, a minor disagreement arose, and the word ‘judging’ and ‘judgemental’ were said. I’ve a lot of practice at containing my emotions, but the closer you are to a person the harder it is to be clear-headed. All that weight of the past pushes down upon your reason. Yet, when I came close to being genuinely angry I thought about that face of Windom Earle in the Judgement card, and I (mostly) kept myself in check.
We talked ourselves down, cleared the air, and parted as friends. I like to think that I can discuss difficult issues without taking things said in the heat of the moment too personally, but sometimes they are the words that can haunt you later if you let them. We pay attention very selectively. People compliment you and you may dismiss it, people say mildly critical things and you replay it in your head on a loop in bed at 2am.
Self-judgement is the worse kind of judgement. Unless you’re a full-blown narcissist, the internal judge is the worst critic of all. What’s interesting to consider is that if you indulge a voice of condemnation in your head, diminishing your talents and achievements, you are training a thought-process that is often easily directed at others. Being overly critical of others feeds into this loop and strengthens the pattern of being judgemental.
This all came home to me later when I was in a gym session — it was warm, awfully humid, and everything felt twice as difficult. Frustration at a physically taxing situation can result in my mind veering towards frustrating thoughts. At one point I was straining to lift dumbbells and my earlier conversation came to mind. I spotted the useless rumination, put down the weights and released the mental noise.
Life is so absurd sometimes. We get hung up on ridiculous things.
When I was driving home I saw a neighbour, aged 60-ish, stripped to the waist, beet-red from the sun, wearing jeans and a cowboy hat, strimmer in hand like a shotgun, ready to meet out justice on the overgrown hedges in his front garden.
His Magic Mike energy and body confidence in rural Ireland was an inspiration. He was not concerned about the judgement of others. He had a job to do.
I waved as I passed him.
There is an interesting question to consider: does drawing a card like this make you more sensitive to being judged or judgemental because it’s on your mind? Can the warning become a self-fulfilling prophecy?